The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
