wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
