there's paper in my vomit.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
