part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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