it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
