Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
What drink are we having for lunch?
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
