coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Come share oat with me in your robe
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I believe in your delicious
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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