Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
