im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
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