i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
