Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
