Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
i am craving dick and cupcakes
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
