My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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