ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Randomize
