the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
