I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
