I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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