Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize