What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
