I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
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