I'm sorry my penis didn't work
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
