The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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