Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
