dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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