Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
