lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
