my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
