Your face is a jimmy john
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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