There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize