Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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