Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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