things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
