if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
