My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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