I wish my penis had an off switch
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
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