I want to walk on stilts...naked
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I just forgot I was standing up.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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