the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
