someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
tell me about the fingering
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