dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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