I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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