Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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