I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
