I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Randomize
