***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
