I just pynch a tree in the face
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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