Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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