I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
