I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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