ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Randomize
