You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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