I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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