she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
