the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
