How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
