Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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