I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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