Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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