My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
there is glitter all over my balls
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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