Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
