halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
