He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
