So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
