I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
