Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
