It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
