Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
